~Self-Acceptance~

Looking in the Mirror: 
Inspired by Robert Holden

"Self-acceptance is the experience of seeing yourself as you really are, without any criticism or attack, and without any demands that you should be something more, better, or different.  To see yourself without any judgement or recrimination, is life changing, because when you do this the self-image that you made disappears and in its place your original Unconditioned Self returns." 

Try the following exercise:

• Set aside at least ten minutes with no distractions.
• Stand in front of a mirror of any size.
• Set a timer for 3-5 minutes.
• Begin writing what you see as you look into the mirror. 
• Continue looking in the mirror until the timer beeps, even if you have the urge to stop.

Take a moment to look over everything you wrote.  Take into consideration that the mirror isn't doing anything.  The mirror isn't mocking you, distorting what you see, or judging anything about you.  The mirror can only reflect to you what you already see and what you already think about. 

 Try this exercise again with the following guidelines:  

• This time, write about what you see without any criticism or judgements against yourself.
• Try not to make any references to your past or any stories about your life.  
• Only view yourself with love and appreciation.  
• See yourself through the eyes of love, compassion, and as a perfect creation.  
• Try seeing yourself through the eyes of somebody who loves you.  
• Consider seeing yourself through the eyes of a creator; such as a loving God, the Universe, Mother Nature, or Life itself.   

  

Compare your lists:

1. What do you notice about your two lists? 
2. Is there anything that changed from the first to second list? 
3. In everyday life, do you have thoughts of criticism or self-blame related to your fertility?
4. How can you apply this exercise to the way you view your fertility journey?

 Bottom line, we are perfectly made!  We are the children of somebody who thinks that we're perfectly made.  When we have our own children, they'll be perfectly made.  It's about time that we start seeing ourselves perfectly made.   

Authentically You: 

The Unconditioned Self - is everything about you that is authentic.  The unconditional self is who you are without learned behaviors, negative thoughts, painful fears, reactions to life circumstances, or criticisms.  It always comes from a place of compassion and love.  It is the pure essence of who you have always been, even as a child.

Self-image - is relative to what you believe about yourself and it is ever changing.  It is the story you tell yourself, rather than the entire truth or reality.  This is the part of you that is learned through criticism, judgements, self-blame, and other peoples opinions about you.  It is the part of you that gets tangled and identified with your feelings.  Identifying yourself in this way typically sets off behaviors, reactions, or painful thoughts.

Misidentification: 

One great way to build self-acceptance it to eliminate negative connotations from your life.  It makes a huge difference when you word things differently. 

The following is a list of negative connotations related to fertility:

• My infertility
• I am getting too old
• I am undeserving of a baby
• I am abnormal or defective
• Something is wrong with me
• I'm incomplete
• My body's inability to have kids

It is important to remember that going through fertility struggles does not define who we are.  We may be better people because our struggles, but our self-worth is not infertile.  Finding ways to overcome the way we think of ourselves can help us rise about the struggles we face. 

Here are some suggested ways to change the wording: 

 

•  My infertility - I have struggled with fertility, or I feel ______ when it comes to fertility.
•  I am getting old - I feel pressured to have a baby now.
•  I am undeserving - I feel ______ that it hasn't been my turn to have a baby.
•  I am abnormal or defective - I feel different than other people who conceive easily.
•  Something is wrong with me - I feel inadequate when others get pregnant and I don't.
•  I am incomplete - I feel a void in my life when it doesn't match my dream for myself.
•  My body's inability to have kids - I feel ____ that my body has been unable to carry a pregnancy.

 

A few common fears that keep people from self-acceptance:

Fear 1:  All hell will be let loose.

Fear 2:  The end of self-improvement.

Fear 3:  I will loose my motivation.

The more willing you are to like yourself, the more you'll increase your chances to be energized by motivation and clear thinking.  This leaves more space to simply be here now.

 A Journaling Challenge:

I challenge you to apply unconditional love to your life, especially when it comes to your fertility journey.  Then track or journal the impact this has on your life. 

As you do so, keep the following questions in your mind: 

"How does accepting me, exactly the way I am, spill over into other areas of my life?" 

"Does doing so allow me more space to think clearly and deal with fertility situations more effectively?"

~Waiting Happily~

"Although the future may be uncertain, you do know that whatever you are currently experiencing will change.  This is a time in your life that you are passing through, not your whole life.  There will be a resolution.  In the meantime, are you experiencing all that is good and beautiful in the moment, just as it is, or are you living an unhappy future that may never be?"  

The Infertility Workbook, by Barbara Blitzer, LCSW-C MEd

Have you ever had this thought?

“If I don’t ever have my own children, I’ll never be truly happy.”

The perception of our thoughts can be very powerful.  We have talked about this many times in our group, but it is worth reviewing how we can restructure debilitating thoughts.   Let’s work through this thought.

 

“If I don’t ever have my own children, I’ll never be truly happy.”

1.  Is this thought true?
 

“Well, maybe it’s not.”  

2.  Are you absolutely 100% sure that this thought is true? 

“No, I really don’t know for 100% sure.”  

3. What evidence is there against this thought?

“It may be an overgeneralization instead of completely true.  I would need to be a fortune teller to know that it’s absolutely true.” 

4.  How do I behave in the world when I believe this thought to be true? 

“Probably in a negative way.”

5.  Does this thought contribute to my stress? 

“Yes.” 

6.  How can I restructure this thought to be truer?

“Someday, I might have my own children and I will have many moments of true happiness in the meantime.  I will remain hopeful and optimistic.”

This was a short version of cognitive restructuring, including possible answers to these particular questions.  You can learn about other versions of cognitive restructuring in this post.

Are you truly happy now?

 Tip:  Use a journal to answer these questions. 

• How do you define happiness?

• Are you living that definition of happiness?

• What are you happy about in this moment?

• When was the last time you truly felt happy?

• How can you feel that deep sense of happiness today?

These questions are meant to provide clarity around feeling happy in day-to-day life, even while waiting to start a family.  It's probably not surprising that studies show a correlation between those struggling with fertility and the predictability of depression, anxiety, and isolation.  For many, infertility is the most upsetting cyclical crisis of a person’s life.  Finding happiness in everyday life can seem nearly impossible after trying to manage the endless tasks that seem to overwhelm with infertility, but it can be done when you look within.

 

"Well-being is not the fruit of something you do;
it is the essence of who you are.
There is nothing you need to change, do, be, or have in order to be happy."

Michael Neil:  The best selling author of You Can Have What You Want

Rebalancing your Past:
Inspired from:  Promoting Happiness by Julia Barnard

 

• Write down one fond memory for every year of your life going back as far as you can remember.

• In very small writing in the bottom right corner, write the unhappy event from your past that has stayed with you.

• Then use the rest of the paper to write out all of the good things that happened to you during that time. Take as long as you would like.

Imagery from your childhood:

•  Close your eyes and relax in your seat.  Imagine your happiest childhood memory as vividly as you can.  Try to experience all of the thoughts and feelings like you did back then.  

•  Now recall your best friend from childhood.  Think about some of the fond memories you shared.

•  What did you love about school around this time?  Recall positive memories about school, including the good feelings you associate with them.

•  Can you remember anybody in your community that made you laugh or smile?  Are there any experiences with interesting neighbors that stand out?

•  Take a moment to write about how you felt afterwards.

Seeing happiness through the eyes of a child:

The point of these types of exercises is to get in tune with the way you saw happiness as a child.  Have you ever stopped to watch the happiness in a child, despite a distressing situation?  Kids don't really think about being happy like adults do.  They aren't really concerned with what will "make" them happy outside that moment or all the steps they "have" to take to get there.   This isn't to say that children don't have unpleasant moments, but they can bounce right back to true happiness five minutes after their prized possession is lost or broken.  They may also never forget that moment, but their resilience can be a lesson in happiness to learn from.

Authenticity and Happiness:

It is important to note that being authentic and being happy go hand-in-hand.  Have you ever been truly happy when you weren’t being authentic to yourself?

Here are some tips to avoid false happiness:

• Interview your emotions and work through them, whether they are positive or negative.

• If you feel secretive about your unhappiness, choose to tell the truth to yourself, the Universe, and others.  

• Take time to take care of yourself.

• Explore what makes you happy each day.  Take action now.  Don’t wait for tomorrow for what you could be feeling happy about today.

• Ask yourself the following question without placing any kind of blame:  What is limiting my happiness?  Then start taking responsibility for changing the things in your control to change.

• Allow yourself to work through any grief you may be experiencing and take note of what stage you are in (shock, denial, bargaining, guilt, anger, depression, hope).

Joy Mantras:
As seen in:  Be Happy by Robert Holden

For each paradigm, there is a “Red Flag” attached to highlight a possible block to happiness.  Below the “Red Flag Paradigm”, you will find a joy mantra.

1.  The Destination, Searching, or Pursuit of Happiness Paradigm:
“The way to get to happiness is to be there already.”

2.  The Achievement Paradigm:
“Joy is the organic state of your soul; it is not something you achieve; it is something you accept.”

3.  The Possession Paradigm:
“Joy is not in things; it is who you are.”

4.  The Reward Paradigm:
“Joy is a recognition, not a reward.”

5.  The Choice Paradigm:
“Joy is a way of being, not just a state of mind.”

6.  The identity Paradigm:
“The soul is JOY.”


Domar AD, Broome A, Zuttermeister PC, Seibel M, Friedman R. The prevalence and predictability of depression in infertile women. Fertil  Steril. 1992;58(6):1158-1163.

Honoring Loss

Having a Ceremony:

Finding a place to have a ceremony can be a wonderful way to honor loss.  It can be a positive way to grieve devastating life experiences, like miscarriages for example.  It can also be a great way to acknowledge the loss of failed infertility treatments and negative pregnancy tests.   

It is important to realize that it isn't necessary to have a miscarriage or a failed treatment to take the time to honor all of the losses that come with infertility.  Taking a moment to honor not having a pregnancy or another dreaded period can be just as important as honoring the pregnancies that didn't result in life.  It also doesn't matter if you were pregnant for one second, one day, one month, or more than one trimester.  Loss is loss and it hurts.  The same goes for all of the cold medical terminology like blighted ovum's, chemical pregnancies, ectopic pregnancies, and stillbirths.  These are all losses of infertility and each one of them need to be grieved and honored.

(We planned our last meeting at the Riparian Preserve in Gilbert.)

Dedicating a Figurine: 

Another way to honor loss is by dedicating a figurine.  Willow Tree Angels are just one example of meaningful figurines that can be used to bring peace to a heart that has been touched by loss.  Willow Tree Angels are wonderful because they come with such special meanings.

Remembrance Angel

 Memories... hold each one safely in your heart.

Angel of Miracles

Trusting in life's everyday miracles

Angel of Healing

 For those who give comfort with caring and tenderness

Promise Angel

Hold dear the promise of love

Memory and Remembrance Books:

Memorial books can serve as unique way to cope with loss.  They are a safe place to store photos, poems, and other items that hold significance.  These books can be especially helpful after pregnancy loss.  

In the Company of Angels - A Memorial Book,

by Casey Shay Press:

This book is amazing!  It provides spaces to put photos of sonograms with the option to replace any images that aren't present with things like poems or other sentimental items.  It is a compassionate way to honor angel babies and I highly recommend it.

A Memory Journal: A Keepsake Journal of Loss and Remembrance,

by Marianne Richmond:

I would also highly recommend this book.  This is not specific towards pregnancy loss, but is for any type of loss and remembrance.  The helpful part about this is that the remembrance portions of the book can be used to process pregnancy loss, but the book in general can help process other feelings of loss brought on by infertility.

Making your own Memorial Book

There are many ways that you could make your own Memory or Remembrance book.  Making a scrapbook, an online photo book, or a special journal are some examples of ways to create something of this nature.  The books listed above will be added to the "Library of Resources" as a source of inspiration.  Please reach out to the person listed in the slideshow to borrow them as templates for your own. 

Letting Go: 

There is a big difference between honoring the memory of loss and holding on to that pain too tightly.  It is extremely important to find ways to start letting go.  It is also important to do that when you feel ready.  There is no specific amount of time that it will take to start letting go of pain, but your heart will tell you when it is time. 

Finding a tangible memento meant for release can be a wonderful way to let go.  One way to do this is to choose of physical object, like a child's toy, that can be given away when you are ready.  Another tangible object that you can use is a "message in a bottle".  When you are ready, you may consider taking it on a vacation and releasing it in an environmentally friendly way.  These types of bottles can also be used as time capsules.  You may even consider burying your "messages in a bottle" while planting a tree in honor of loss.

(There are several "messages in a bottle" leftover if you would like one.)

Saying Goodbye:

Have you ever considered finding a way to say goodbye to a baby that you may never meet?  This can be a very especially important step in healing.  Writing a letters, creating a poems, or singing songs are all great ways to say goodbye.  There is no right or wrong way to say goodbye, but taking the time to do so can heal the heart and bring closure. 

Mind/Body Guide

 

Alice D. Domar is the author of Conquering Infertility and leads an entire clinical program in Boston, Massachusetts.  If I lived in Boston, I think it would be a wonderful program to join.  Since I don't, I hope that I can share some of their resources with the circle.  The book references some audio meditations.  You can find them on the Massachusetts General Hospital Online Store.  I have yet to buy anything from them, but I am very interested based on the research that has been done on this program. 

Chapter two:  "A Toolbox Full of Coping Skills"

This book has so many helpful tools!  It breaks out many issues that are common for somebody facing infertility, and then advises different strategies to cope.  In chapter two, there is an analogy provided about how handy it is to have a nice hammer/screwdriver combo to fix little items in the kitchen.  Then it goes on to ask how many tools might be needed to build a home?  It uses this question to demonstrate that there are many tools needed when dealing with fertility struggles.  If you can keep them handy, you'll be better equipped to deal with the things that pop up at unpredictable times.  

It is hard to list all of the helpful tools found in this book, but I will list a few.  This book encourages you to experiment to find the tools that work best for you.  Feel free to borrow the book from our Library of Resources for more detailed instructions.

 Here are some examples of tools that elicit the relaxation response:

•  Breath Focus  - This one is simple.  Just breathe in deeply and slowly instead of what the body tends to do under stress, which is taking very short shallow breaths.

• Body Scan - Practice deep breathing as you start concentrating on your forehead.  Let go of any tension as breath out.  Proceed scanning the rest of your body and letting go of any tension as you scan down.

• Meditation - Choose a word that has meaning, such as "peace and calm".  Count down from the number ten, one for each number you take.  Concentrate on the word "peace", as you breath in.  The "calm" as you breathe out.  If any thoughts or feelings intrude on your concentration, be kind to yourself.  Simply acknowledge your thoughts without encouraging them and continue on with your meditation.

• Mindfulness - Start by looking for all of the sensations around you.  Taking mindful walks are a great way to let your mind wander into mindfulness.  Watch for things like way palm trees sway in the wind or the rhythm a bird is singing just for you.  Practicing mindfulness is really just about finding sensations around you to help you appreciate the here and now. 

• Guided Imagery - Choose a place in your mind that you love and you always feel relaxed.  Take deep, slow, breaths.  Allow yourself to be consumed by sensations of the images you see.  

• Yoga - Many fertility specialist tell women going through treatments not to exercise or bounce around much.  Yoga can be a healthy mind/body alternative that many RE’s will allow.  Consult your doctor first and stay away from extreme yoga practices, such as hot yoga.

• Mini-Relaxations - Sit down and start taking slow, deep breaths.  Place your hand on your abdomen and allow it to rise and become aware of your diaphragm.  You can count from ten to zero with each breath.  An alternative is to count very slowly from one to four as you inhale, then four to one as you exhale.  You can also combine the methods, adding a pause to each out breath.

• Cognitive Restructuring - We have talked a lot about Byron Katie's version of this called "The Work". 

The version in the book gives the following instruction:

    1.  Does this thought contribute to my stress?
    2.  Where did I learn this thought?
    3.  Is this thought logical?
    4.  Is this thought true? 

Learning to restructure my thoughts lead me to stop believing all of those haunting thoughts like, "I'll never be a mother".  Here's my personal example.

    1.  Does this thought cause me stress?  Um, yes!  

    2.  Where did I get this thought? 

    From doctors telling me I would never have my own children.  

    3.  Is this logical? 

    Absolutely not!  Even the idea that I can't have children is not logical.  

    4.  So, is this thought true?  Nope! 

Most versions of cognitive restructuring give further directions by teaching how to replace the thought.  It must feel true and it must make you feel better.  The thought may only change slightly to something like, "I might be a mother someday".  Over time, it may start to feel right to flip the thought completely to "I will be a mother someday".  Remember, it must be true to you and it must make you feel at least a little better.  It is also important to remember that these thoughts come creeping back, but the more you work on them, the better you feel.



"Coping When Everybody But You Has a Baby"

 

  

Create a How-to-Tell-Me Plan
Most people who know your particular situation probably want to help in any way that they can.  Sometimes their desire to help you can come out in misplaced energy because they don’t know what you need.  This is why so many people make insensitive or ignorant comments.  Letting people close to you know exactly how they can help you can be key and one way is to create a how-to-tell-me plan in regards to announcements.  Creating a plan about pregnancy announcements can be especially helpful to give you time to work through your own feelings.  This may not work with co-workers or acquaintances, but it may do the trick with close friends and family members.  Do this however it feels right for you.

One example that the book suggests is to kindly ask friends something like this, "When you find out you are pregnant, would you mind writing me a letter or sending me an e-mail?  This way I can process it privately, and I'll call you when I feel ready, after I've gotten over it.  I need to hear the news in private, cry in private, and have some time to cope with my own sadness.  Then I can be happy for you."

The book also suggests asking for a heads up from close family before they make announcement at social gatherings.  This way you can either prepare yourself for it, or give yourself permission to skip it. 

Plan Mental escapes

 

• Guided Imagery:  Practicing guided imagery can immediately take you from an environment that feels uncomfortable, to a favorite destination in your mind.  It is a great idea to imagine being somewhere you have no negative influences such as a field of flowers to which you are allergic. 
• Mini Relaxations:  These work well while you are listening to the details about an announcement.  Another great place to do these are in the grocery store line while reading the latest pregnancy tabloid announcement.  Start breathing deeply and counting one to four, then four to one.  This may give you time to avoid a meltdown  until you have time to do more in depth relaxation techniques.  
• Journaling:  This might help you figure out those negative thoughts that are really leaving you in pain.  After all, it is not the pregnancy of another hurting you, but it may hurt that it isn’t you who is pregnant.  Just getting some of those thoughts on paper will help you cope.

Draw Up a Coping List

• Go for a mindful walk
• Call a buddy in your support group
• Go to a movie
• Write in your journal
• Write a letter
• Talk to your partner
• Take it out on a pillow
• Work it out
• Be creative
• Pray
• Practice Yoga  

Work to Get Over It

• Sometimes the only thing that can be done to get through announcements is a few days of tears.  It is okay to feel sad and to grieve.  

• You may just have to weather the storm.  Remember, you will survive this.  Although infertility is a crisis, it is a temporary crisis while you decide how to resolve it.

• Infertility is unfair and it’s unjust.  Give yourself permission to feel angry and to work through it.  The book suggests not feeling guilty if you are angry, jealous, and resentful of other women.  It is human nature to feel upset in the face of injustice. 

• Remember that working to get over it doesn’t mean that you need to suppress how you feel.  It takes time and a lot of personal growth to work through things of this nature.  Trust your instincts and follow your heart when trying to let go of the pain you feel.

 

Depression:  

  

This book puts a heavy emphasis on depression, anxiety, and stress that women go through with Infertility.  Dr. Alice Domar gives examples of many clinical studies to back this up.  Many women say that infertility has been the most devastating crisis of theirs lives.  I would agree in my own life and I am sure that many of you can agree, too.  These coping skills can help alleviate some of the negative feelings that you may be having, but make sure to watch yourself for depression.  The book suggests that denial and depression often go hand in hand.  Please seek out professional help if you are depressed.  Many of us in the circle have seen or do see a therapist regularly.  If you need referrals, please feel comfortable to ask for them.  We can tell you the good and the bad, just like with RE’s.  

There are lots of other helpful tools for coping in this book.  If you would like to borrow this or any other book, please reach out to the person listed in the caption of the "Library of Resources" slideshow, to the right sidebar of this blog.  Feel free to contact me with any questions.

Love,

Amanda