~Waiting Happily~

"Although the future may be uncertain, you do know that whatever you are currently experiencing will change.  This is a time in your life that you are passing through, not your whole life.  There will be a resolution.  In the meantime, are you experiencing all that is good and beautiful in the moment, just as it is, or are you living an unhappy future that may never be?"  

The Infertility Workbook, by Barbara Blitzer, LCSW-C MEd

Have you ever had this thought?

“If I don’t ever have my own children, I’ll never be truly happy.”

The perception of our thoughts can be very powerful.  We have talked about this many times in our group, but it is worth reviewing how we can restructure debilitating thoughts.   Let’s work through this thought.

 

“If I don’t ever have my own children, I’ll never be truly happy.”

1.  Is this thought true?
 

“Well, maybe it’s not.”  

2.  Are you absolutely 100% sure that this thought is true? 

“No, I really don’t know for 100% sure.”  

3. What evidence is there against this thought?

“It may be an overgeneralization instead of completely true.  I would need to be a fortune teller to know that it’s absolutely true.” 

4.  How do I behave in the world when I believe this thought to be true? 

“Probably in a negative way.”

5.  Does this thought contribute to my stress? 

“Yes.” 

6.  How can I restructure this thought to be truer?

“Someday, I might have my own children and I will have many moments of true happiness in the meantime.  I will remain hopeful and optimistic.”

This was a short version of cognitive restructuring, including possible answers to these particular questions.  You can learn about other versions of cognitive restructuring in this post.

Are you truly happy now?

 Tip:  Use a journal to answer these questions. 

• How do you define happiness?

• Are you living that definition of happiness?

• What are you happy about in this moment?

• When was the last time you truly felt happy?

• How can you feel that deep sense of happiness today?

These questions are meant to provide clarity around feeling happy in day-to-day life, even while waiting to start a family.  It's probably not surprising that studies show a correlation between those struggling with fertility and the predictability of depression, anxiety, and isolation.  For many, infertility is the most upsetting cyclical crisis of a person’s life.  Finding happiness in everyday life can seem nearly impossible after trying to manage the endless tasks that seem to overwhelm with infertility, but it can be done when you look within.

 

"Well-being is not the fruit of something you do;
it is the essence of who you are.
There is nothing you need to change, do, be, or have in order to be happy."

Michael Neil:  The best selling author of You Can Have What You Want

Rebalancing your Past:
Inspired from:  Promoting Happiness by Julia Barnard

 

• Write down one fond memory for every year of your life going back as far as you can remember.

• In very small writing in the bottom right corner, write the unhappy event from your past that has stayed with you.

• Then use the rest of the paper to write out all of the good things that happened to you during that time. Take as long as you would like.

Imagery from your childhood:

•  Close your eyes and relax in your seat.  Imagine your happiest childhood memory as vividly as you can.  Try to experience all of the thoughts and feelings like you did back then.  

•  Now recall your best friend from childhood.  Think about some of the fond memories you shared.

•  What did you love about school around this time?  Recall positive memories about school, including the good feelings you associate with them.

•  Can you remember anybody in your community that made you laugh or smile?  Are there any experiences with interesting neighbors that stand out?

•  Take a moment to write about how you felt afterwards.

Seeing happiness through the eyes of a child:

The point of these types of exercises is to get in tune with the way you saw happiness as a child.  Have you ever stopped to watch the happiness in a child, despite a distressing situation?  Kids don't really think about being happy like adults do.  They aren't really concerned with what will "make" them happy outside that moment or all the steps they "have" to take to get there.   This isn't to say that children don't have unpleasant moments, but they can bounce right back to true happiness five minutes after their prized possession is lost or broken.  They may also never forget that moment, but their resilience can be a lesson in happiness to learn from.

Authenticity and Happiness:

It is important to note that being authentic and being happy go hand-in-hand.  Have you ever been truly happy when you weren’t being authentic to yourself?

Here are some tips to avoid false happiness:

• Interview your emotions and work through them, whether they are positive or negative.

• If you feel secretive about your unhappiness, choose to tell the truth to yourself, the Universe, and others.  

• Take time to take care of yourself.

• Explore what makes you happy each day.  Take action now.  Don’t wait for tomorrow for what you could be feeling happy about today.

• Ask yourself the following question without placing any kind of blame:  What is limiting my happiness?  Then start taking responsibility for changing the things in your control to change.

• Allow yourself to work through any grief you may be experiencing and take note of what stage you are in (shock, denial, bargaining, guilt, anger, depression, hope).

Joy Mantras:
As seen in:  Be Happy by Robert Holden

For each paradigm, there is a “Red Flag” attached to highlight a possible block to happiness.  Below the “Red Flag Paradigm”, you will find a joy mantra.

1.  The Destination, Searching, or Pursuit of Happiness Paradigm:
“The way to get to happiness is to be there already.”

2.  The Achievement Paradigm:
“Joy is the organic state of your soul; it is not something you achieve; it is something you accept.”

3.  The Possession Paradigm:
“Joy is not in things; it is who you are.”

4.  The Reward Paradigm:
“Joy is a recognition, not a reward.”

5.  The Choice Paradigm:
“Joy is a way of being, not just a state of mind.”

6.  The identity Paradigm:
“The soul is JOY.”


Domar AD, Broome A, Zuttermeister PC, Seibel M, Friedman R. The prevalence and predictability of depression in infertile women. Fertil  Steril. 1992;58(6):1158-1163.