Alice D. Domar is the author of Conquering Infertility and leads an entire clinical program in Boston, Massachusetts. If I lived in Boston, I think it would be a wonderful program to join. Since I don't, I hope that I can share some of their resources with the circle. The book references some audio meditations. You can find them on the Massachusetts General Hospital Online Store. I have yet to buy anything from them, but I am very interested based on the research that has been done on this program.
Chapter two: "A Toolbox Full of Coping Skills"
This book has so many helpful tools! It breaks out many issues that are common for somebody facing infertility, and then advises different strategies to cope. In chapter two, there is an analogy provided about how handy it is to have a nice hammer/screwdriver combo to fix little items in the kitchen. Then it goes on to ask how many tools might be needed to build a home? It uses this question to demonstrate that there are many tools needed when dealing with fertility struggles. If you can keep them handy, you'll be better equipped to deal with the things that pop up at unpredictable times.
It is hard to list all of the helpful tools found in this book, but I will list a few. This book encourages you to experiment to find the tools that work best for you. Feel free to borrow the book from our Library of Resources for more detailed instructions.
Here are some examples of tools that elicit the relaxation response:
- Breath Focus - This one is simple. Just breathe in deeply and slowly instead of what the body tends to do under stress, which is taking very short shallow breaths.
- Body Scan - Practice deep breathing as you start concentrating on your forehead. Let go of any tension as breath out. Proceed scanning the rest of your body and letting go of any tension as you scan down.
- Meditation - Choose a word that has meaning, such as "peace and calm". Count down from the number ten, one for each number you take. Concentrate on the word "peace", as you breath in. The "calm" as you breathe out. If any thoughts or feelings intrude on your concentration, be kind to yourself. Simply acknowledge your thoughts without encouraging them and continue on with your meditation.
- Mindfulness - Start by looking for all of the sensations around you. Taking mindful walks are a great way to let your mind wander into mindfulness. Watch for things like way palm trees sway in the wind or the rhythm a bird is singing just for you. Practicing mindfulness is really just about finding sensations around you to help you appreciate the here and now.
- Guided Imagery - Choose a place in your mind that you love and you always feel relaxed. Take deep, slow, breaths. Allow yourself to be consumed by sensations of the images you see.
- Yoga - Many fertility specialist tell women going through treatments not to exercise or bounce around much. Yoga can be a healthy mind/body alternative that many RE’s will allow. Consult your doctor first and stay away from extreme yoga practices, such as hot yoga.
- Mini-Relaxations - Sit down and start taking slow, deep breaths. Place your hand on your abdomen and allow it to rise and become aware of your diaphragm. You can count from ten to zero with each breath. An alternative is to count very slowly from one to four as you inhale, then four to one as you exhale. You can also combine the methods, adding a pause to each out breath.
- Cognitive Restructuring - We have talked a lot about Byron Katie's version of this called "The Work".
The version in the book gives the following instruction:
1. Does this thought contribute to my stress?
2. Where did I learn this thought?
3. Is this thought logical?
4. Is this thought true?
Learning to restructure my thoughts lead me to stop believing all of those haunting thoughts like, "I'll never be a mother". Here's my personal example.
1. Does this thought cause me stress? Um, yes!
2. Where did I get this thought?
From doctors telling me I would never have my own children.
3. Is this logical?
Absolutely not! Even the idea that I can't have children is not logical.
4. So, is this thought true? Nope!
Most versions of cognitive restructuring give further directions by teaching how to replace the thought. It must feel true and it must make you feel better. The thought may only change slightly to something like, "I might be a mother someday". Over time, it may start to feel right to flip the thought completely to "I will be a mother someday". Remember, it must be true to you and it must make you feel at least a little better. It is also important to remember that these thoughts come creeping back, but the more you work on them, the better you feel.
"Coping When Everybody But You Has a Baby"
Create a How-to-Tell-Me Plan
Most people who know your particular situation probably want to help in any way that they can. Sometimes their desire to help you can come out in misplaced energy because they don’t know what you need. This is why so many people make insensitive or ignorant comments. Letting people close to you know exactly how they can help you can be key and one way is to create a how-to-tell-me plan in regards to announcements. Creating a plan about pregnancy announcements can be especially helpful to give you time to work through your own feelings. This may not work with co-workers or acquaintances, but it may do the trick with close friends and family members. Do this however it feels right for you.
One example that the book suggests is to kindly ask friends something like this, "When you find out you are pregnant, would you mind writing me a letter or sending me an e-mail? This way I can process it privately, and I'll call you when I feel ready, after I've gotten over it. I need to hear the news in private, cry in private, and have some time to cope with my own sadness. Then I can be happy for you."
The book also suggests asking for a heads up from close family before they make announcement at social gatherings. This way you can either prepare yourself for it, or give yourself permission to skip it.
Plan Mental escapes
Most people who know your particular situation probably want to help in any way that they can. Sometimes their desire to help you can come out in misplaced energy because they don’t know what you need. This is why so many people make insensitive or ignorant comments. Letting people close to you know exactly how they can help you can be key and one way is to create a how-to-tell-me plan in regards to announcements. Creating a plan about pregnancy announcements can be especially helpful to give you time to work through your own feelings. This may not work with co-workers or acquaintances, but it may do the trick with close friends and family members. Do this however it feels right for you.
One example that the book suggests is to kindly ask friends something like this, "When you find out you are pregnant, would you mind writing me a letter or sending me an e-mail? This way I can process it privately, and I'll call you when I feel ready, after I've gotten over it. I need to hear the news in private, cry in private, and have some time to cope with my own sadness. Then I can be happy for you."
The book also suggests asking for a heads up from close family before they make announcement at social gatherings. This way you can either prepare yourself for it, or give yourself permission to skip it.
Plan Mental escapes
- Guided Imagery: Practicing guided imagery can immediately take you from an environment that feels uncomfortable, to a favorite destination in your mind. It is a great idea to imagine being somewhere you have no negative influences such as a field of flowers to which you are allergic.
- Mini Relaxations: These work well while you are listening to the details about an announcement. Another great place to do these are in the grocery store line while reading the latest pregnancy tabloid announcement. Start breathing deeply and counting one to four, then four to one. This may give you time to avoid a meltdown until you have time to do more in depth relaxation techniques.
- Journaling: This might help you figure out those negative thoughts that are really leaving you in pain. After all, it is not the pregnancy of another hurting you, but it may hurt that it isn’t you who is pregnant. Just getting some of those thoughts on paper will help you cope.
Draw Up a Coping List
- Go for a mindful walk
- Call a buddy in your support group
- Go to a movie
- Write in your journal
- Write a letter
- Talk to your partner
- Take it out on a pillow
- Work it out
- Be creative
- Pray
- Practice Yoga
Work to Get Over It
- Sometimes the only thing that can be done to get through announcements is a few days of tears. It is okay to feel sad and to grieve.
- You may just have to weather the storm. Remember, you will survive this. Although infertility is a crisis, it is a temporary crisis while you decide how to resolve it.
- Infertility is unfair and it’s unjust. Give yourself permission to feel angry and to work through it. The book suggests not feeling guilty if you are angry, jealous, and resentful of other women. It is human nature to feel upset in the face of injustice.
- Remember that working to get over it doesn’t mean that you need to suppress how you feel. It takes time and a lot of personal growth to work through things of this nature. Trust your instincts and follow your heart when trying to let go of the pain you feel.
Depression:
This book puts a heavy emphasis on depression, anxiety, and stress that women go through with Infertility. Dr. Alice Domar gives examples of many clinical studies to back this up. Many women say that infertility has been the most devastating crisis of theirs lives. I would agree in my own life and I am sure that many of you can agree, too. These coping skills can help alleviate some of the negative feelings that you may be having, but make sure to watch yourself for depression. The book suggests that denial and depression often go hand in hand. Please seek out professional help if you are depressed. Many of us in the circle have seen or do see a therapist regularly. If you need referrals, please feel comfortable to ask for them. We can tell you the good and the bad, just like with RE’s.
There are lots of other helpful tools for coping in this book. If you would like to borrow this or any other book, please reach out to the person listed in the caption of the "Library of Resources" slideshow, to the right sidebar of this blog. Feel free to contact me with any questions.
Love,
Amanda
